Simply being loved
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Shin's last moments while talking to Maya in his mind.


**Fandom: Tenjou Tenge  
Title: Simply being loved.  
Pairing: Shin + Maya  
Rating: PG  
Description: Shin****'****s last moments while talking to Maya in his mind.**

**Disclaimer: Tenjou Tenge isn****'****t mine.**

**Simply being loved.  
By miyamoto yui**

Wandering in the dark, I simply can't find my way. I thought that you would be there. That's what I had always thought. If there was a guarantee, then that would be you. Wasn't that the deal?  
Without kissing, this was the promise within our lips without ever being spoken. And when you reach towards the sun, I wondered what did the light need with even more brilliance? What was it that you wanted from life?

I looked at you trying to find an answer to everything.  
Hope was what your smiles told me…

"I can't just sit still. It's not my thing."  
Without a response, you ran to the crashing waves as fast as you could. You wanted to get away. You wanted to feel something.

I wanted to run after you, but when I saw you laughing and smiling, I knew that I couldn't do anything to disappoint you. There was nothing I could do to stop you. You wanted to be immersed in the light. And you were my light.  
I didn't want to ruin it.

That's what I didn't want to do. And yet, I made you cry, didn't I?

The person I cherished more than anything or anyone was the one I hurt the most. Because of my selfishness, I wanted you to always be with you, assuming that you'd be there. I thought you'd always want to be with me.

Maybe I was a child that way. I needed to grow up.

When I was being held hostage in that cage, you didn't fear anything. Where did you get your courage to simply reach out to the brother that was discarded and regarded as a monster? Who was really in the cage? Who really kept you inside from coming out?

It was me, wasn't it?

I am not going to say sorry. I can't help it. I do these things because of you. It isn't your fault. I can't ever blame you for anything.

You are my sanctuary.

In my moment of need, you always came close to me. Even when you were scared, you still held my hand. Even when you wanted to hold back, you wanted to save me.  
She didn't know and that's why she slapped you.

You knew me more than anyone.

You didn't have to know to feel it all. You were in my veins. You drove me crazy. How could I not know that you knew?

You figured out everything. It wasn't your weakness and it wasn't my strength.

This is how we are. This is how we'll always be, whether or not we're next to one another.

When you were washing the dishes, I put my forehead on your shoulder and held your waist. I missed you even though you were right there.  
"What's wrong?" You asked me even though you were trembling, not knowing if you were scared or strong enough to carry the both of us.  
I didn't say anything, but we stood in the kitchen for quite some time that way until Aya came back from training.

It's ironic how you could miss someone when they were right there in front of you. It's torture to know how much you were changing so fast that you didn't know how to describe it. It scared me and I couldn't say a word.

I didn't want to kill you, but I am, aren't I?

This is what love is for us.

I can't erase the past in your mind. I can't block your eyes from what I'm going to do. I can't protect you anymore from myself.

You will fall someday, Maya. And it will be my fault.

Strength comes with a price. You lose more and more of what makes you human. That's the sacrifice we all must pay for our sins. Others have a hint, but that's what I know. They don't want to accept that fact.

You can't be human and live this way.  
But I can't give you up.

Who do you look at with those beautiful eyes of yours? Mitsuomi? I want to destroy him.  
Who is it that hurts you? Me? I want to kill him.  
Who is it that you're trying to protect, love, and live for? Yourself? I want you to live on like that.

This feeling is more deeply rooted than jealousy. It's even more earnest and harvested than love. Where do we fall on this spectrum, Maya? Tell me, but I can't let you. You know how it is. I know how I'll react.

This cycle keeps on going and we can't stop it. I don't want it to or else I'll lose you somehow.

But I've got to lift my head.

In the last moment, even though you've left me empty, I want to rest. I am hollow. There's nothing left, Maya.

I will lie to you.  
I can't stop anything. Can't stop the pain. Can't stop the hurt I cause. Can't stop your tears that are about to fall when I break you more than anyone else can ever do because of the way we are to one another.

You know my confusion as I reach towards the light.

I lift up my head and I try to focus my eyes on you.

And before I push her needle into my head, I look at you. I want to end your torture, but when I look into your eyes, in a small space of eternity, I know I have done something that is irrevocable.  
You want to be the one in my arms, don't you?

This is where I want you to be. You know it more than anyone. As lifeless as I am, I am desperately still screaming for you with my blood, silence, and staring eyes.

You are the one I am thinking of when I hold her. This isn't a lie. It is the truth.

I was constrained by their rules and their way of thinking. But I didn't live that way. Through it all, you know this is the only thing that was true. Through my darkness, there was one good thing.

I am staring at her wanting to shout out to me though she does not say a word to me. I am sorry this is the last memory you'll have of me rather than our last peaceful embrace.

I can't let go of you. I simply can't.

Nothing I do will ever change my feelings. They're as hardened as the ice that never melts somewhere in a different world. These feelings that keep me going will never change. You've got to bury them someday.

And if you do, it'll be the same as if you rejected me in that cage so many years ago. That would have been much easier to deal with than for you to go away from me now.

That's why I have to leave you first.

In a perfect world, I could say all the things I've always wanted to say. Things could have been peaceful. I could have lived my life just watching you as long as you're happy.  
But as I see the blood on my hands become more by the buckets, you and I know that will never be.

I was not ever meant to love you like this, more than any sibling or lover. But I did anyway because you were stronger than anyone I knew.

And I couldn't protect you. It wasn't enough for your light. I can't you keep you to myself in the shadows forever.

I stayed because of you. And I'll leave because of that too.

I will die so that you can live. You weren't meant to love the darkness, Maya.

I smile as I press the needle into my ear. I close my eyes as I kiss that girl in front of me, as if I'm happy.  
But I'm crying. You can see through everything.

This should be you, but I don't want to kill you anymore, Maya.

I love you, that's why. And you cared about me to take everything even though I didn't ask you to. That's what it all comes down to.

By simply being loved, I went crazy. I was too overjoyed that you loved an unworthy being like me.

I didn't ever want to see the day you'd turn me back to stone  
if you ever stopped loving me.

When you called to me, I came to life that day. "Ani ue!"

You took me away from my cage and made me human. That's what you did. And I couldn't ever go back to what I was before.

I can't, Maya.  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: ** I didn't expect to like Tenjou Tenge. I actually only got into it because of the Seki Tomokazu panel showing it and when I watched it, it was interesting. (I even want to cosplay Maya Natsume, but I don't have the body for it. ^^;;) But I liked the relationships in the story. Messed up, but interesting, especially Maya and her brother's.

And with that, Happy Thanksgiving to you! Through your continued support, I am able to push through life. More than you'll ever realize. So thank you for always reading.

Love,  
yui

**Wednesday, November 24, 2004**


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